TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely out of spot. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let us have Yet another location where American Males can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer Everybody a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It's that he should really cease applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed Trump Tower Damascus lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where by my PTSD may have convert-down company."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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